Loss and the Mourning After

The emotions we feel at the loss of a friendship are not unlike those we feel when mourning a death. This is especially true when the circumstances deem no possibility of reconciliation. These situations present a unique emotional dilemma. The identity of the victim is not clear. The one ending the relationship may consider themselves the victim. The one who must accept the end may consider themselves the victim.

Ties are severed and rapport is denied. Often, this results in the denial of closure for one or both parties. In this, perhaps it can be said the ending of a cherished friendship is worse than the death of a loved one. This would explain why the mourning of a lost friendship can last longer than the death of a loved one.

We can understand death, it is the true finality. We may not always be able to understand the reasoning of our friend’s decision to sever us from their lives. Perhaps our actions merited the verdict of a life long sentence. This does not preclude us as the accused from suffering the sentence. We become imprisoned by the memory of it.

We cannot hope the friend will pardon us; they have often tossed away the key and moved on. We can, however, pardon ourselves. If we do not deserve a pardon based upon rehabilitation, we can at least merit an early release on good behavior.

It can be argued that we as the accused, bear the weight of our nature as sociopaths. I purposely use this term sociopath because it is largely rejected by the psychiatric community as being too broad in its descriptive of the human condition. We tend to label others too broadly, as well.

Can one who mourns the loss of a friend over the course of a lifetime be considered maleficent? Or is one who can so easily sever a friendship with little or no regard for the suffering of the other more accurately diagnosed a psychopath?

So often, articles are written from the high road perspective of the one who should end a relationship. We often recommend that a healthy decision would be to sever ties with the accused and move on for the sake of our own sanctity. How wonderful our world would be if there were in fact, so many of you sanctified as opposed to us very few maleficent sociopaths. In that near perfect world would be fewer wars, crimes, and atrocities.

 Reference:

PsychCentral.com – “8 Steps to Closure When a Friendship Ends,” By THERESE J. BORCHARD  Associate Editor

Image Credit: Best_Friends!_(7573267890) Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license Author Paul Lucas UK

The Irresponsible Me

Growing up, it seemed every family discussion was about money or religion. Saving money, spending money or wasting money, was our father’s favorite topic of discussion. I have said before, that given three minutes our mother would change any topic to religion. Well, my father would change that topic to money within one minute following. As we grew into adulthood, our wasteful spending of his money evolved into our irresponsible spending of our own money.

What should be noted here is that my father was born in the latter depression era. His father experienced the depression first hand and raised a family through it. They existed in dire poverty which was considered fortunate for them during that time.

For my father, matters of finance are intimately tied to his sense of safety and security. It never seemed to matter if we were doing well or struggling, my father’s outlook was that one could never have enough financial security. He also firmly believed that no man could ever achieve financial security working for another. “You have to make your own mark in this world. Let that man make his own.”

So, my brothers and I walked a narrow path of approval in our father’s eyes. If we were employed, we should have been working toward self employment. When we were self employed, we should have been saving our money. What I know now is that caring about money was how my father cared about everything else.

This concern for our financial security was how he showed he cared about us. It mattered deeply to him that we take matters of personal finance to heart. Often our parents will nag us about money. We come into a small windfall and perhaps, we splurge a little. We treat ourselves for a job well done. Our parents may frown on this. But we should remember this is how they show they love us.

How will we show our children we love them when they are out into the world? Perhaps you sometimes find yourself nagging your own grown children over matters of finance. You may want to include that you only do so because you care deeply for their security and that you love them.

Image Credit: Wikimedia-Commons-Creative-Commons-Attribution-2.0-Generic-license  Author Flick user Jacob Botter

Prisons of Ourselves

Many of us suffer from generalized anxiety, myself included. This anxiety can manifest itself as fear, guilt, worry or sadness depending on the situation. The trigger can be nondescript and the onset can be quite severe. 

Our initial knee-jerk response is a sort of forcible deniability. The result is the emotional equivalent to forcibly holding in a sneeze. The overwhelming feelings of anxiety disburse throughout and leave us feeling emotionally spent and defeated. Medication helps, but does not address the underlying condition.

We may not be able to overcome the fear that we experience in social settings. It is said that we are all mere products of our own combined neuroses. If this is true, we do not need to fear the judgment of others because they are just as emotionally vulnerable as we are. We can make room for the fear rather than become forced out by it.

We acknowledge it, but need not react to it. Our social anxiety is performance based and we need not perform for anyone. Should we have to perform, such as public speaking, this is an act we perform for ourselves rather than for the scrutiny of others.

People in potentially hazardous professions often confront fear and anxiety, but most persevere with a resolve of knowing what is right. Our anxiety does not render us incapable of knowing right from wrong. Making ourselves prisoners of our own anxiety is self destructive and wrong.

Don’t wait for a safe time to act on your goals. Keep in mind that every act may be defined by some degree of fear and anxiety. So in this, there will be no safe time to begin. We may not be able to control our feelings, but we are in control of our behavior to some degree.

Quite often it is easier to reign in how we react to anxiety than to the anxiety itself. Goal oriented thinking allows us the ability to become autonomous. Counseling, and in some cases medication, can be beneficial in assisting us to overcome generalized anxiety. But perhaps, the best therapy lies in our willingness to learn from our feelings rather than being bullied by them.

Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons CC ASA 2.0 Author Liam Quinn from Canada

Net Neutrality, Education and Free Drinking Water

No society that suppresses knowledge can truly be called free.

Historically, the separation of the classes could be clearly defined by the educated and the uneducated. Those who could receive the knowledge prospered while those who could not struggled. Historians may argue that, second only to religion, the suppression of knowledge is the single most definitive factor resulting in the downfall of governments.

Today, the suppression of knowledge by our own society is not as overt as it was in the long dead societies of history. The public message in our society is that everyone deserves to have access to higher learning, but is there evidence to suggest the contrary?

If fresh drinking water was strictly controlled and came with a price tag, one could say everyone deserves fresh drinking water. But unfortunately, not everyone can afford it. Helping the poor afford fresh drinking water, then becomes a complex issue.

But simply releasing the control of the water supply and providing it freely to everyone easily resolves the issue. Then the argument becomes about the billions in lost revenue by making fresh water freely available. Feel free to make the leap on your own.

Withholding fresh drinking water from those who cannot afford it is both immoral and sadistic. Now that we can agree with the premise, let us address the withholding of the wealth of human knowledge from those that cannot afford it.

People in prison are free to read books. Ironically, prisoners in our society have access to higher education at the expense of the taxpayers. The taxpayers themselves must pay upwards of six figures for the same access to higher education. A student having the aptitude to attend an Ivy League college has the same opportunity to receive a higher education as any felon serving a ten year sentence. Aside from the crime, the only difference is who pays the tuition.

The Internet could be as easily provided to the public as public television, yet it is strictly controlled and becoming increasingly costly. Access to higher learning could be freely provided to the public via a freely accessible Internet. However, then the argument becomes about the billions in lost revenue by making both the Internet and higher learning freely available.

Feel free to make the leap on your own. With apologies to Internet service providers and Ivy League colleges; it can be argued that withholding Internet and higher education from those who cannot afford it is both immoral and sadistic.

Returning to our fresh water analogy, we can address the issues a society would face by withholding fresh drinking water. While earning billions from the selling of fresh drinking water to those that can afford it, the society spends trillions in the cost of preventing the remaining masses from dying of thirst. Apply the analogy to the withholding of the Internet and higher learning and feel free to make the leap on your own.

Returning to the lessons of history, we can clearly see the result the suppression of knowledge and oppression of the people has on the stability of a nation. We need not even look that far back when we think of the plight of Egypt today.

The frightening lesson for our society when we consider Egypt today suggest our own issues are a self correcting problem. Does this future apply to our own society which is currently propped up by 17 trillion dollars in debt? Feel free to make the leap on your own.

Source: Reference Net Neutrality

Scam Nation

Not very long ago, an American company was founded upon its quality products and reliable service. A business that lost the consumer trust would not last long. Government regulations on business practices were strictly enforced. We understood the threat a private corporation posed to the public if it was allowed to become too large.

Perhaps, the most well known example of this was when the american government ordered the Bell Telephone Company to break up into several smaller companies. The reasoning for strict government regulation was to protect free enterprise and the growth of a competitive market.

Today, the size and power of some American companies dwarf that of the Bell Telephone Company. Some have even argued the pyramid scam has become the new corporate financial model in America. Gross misuse of investor funds by financial institutions would have once landed guilty parties in federal prison. Today, they get government bailouts. What will be the result if our laws governing corporate business practice continue to be ignored?

Unfortunately, the current state of our economy suggests the issue of bloated corporations and rampant greed is a self correcting problem. One could argue corporations have fallen victim to their own advertising. There is a ceiling on how much a product or service is worth to the consumer. The consumer pushes back once this point is exceeded.

The most famous example of this regarding over taxation was the Boston Tea Party when the people dumped all the tea arriving from England into the Boston harbor. Today, millions of Americans regard working 40 hours a week only to have nothing left over after taxes and living expenses no different than being unemployed.

Those with valuable skills have opted to work for themselves in their community rather than work for an employer’s low wage . Others have simply dropped out of the work force to live off government assistance. These are examples of public backlash and why we have laws governing corporate business practices. When taxes on a people exceed the cost of living the economy suffers as a result.

Price gouging in times of crisis is a punishable by law. We are typically, reminded of this after natural disasters. Cable companies are charging as much as $200 a month for television. Even those who can afford it question the logic of spending that much for entertainment in a distressed economy.

Being overcharged for bad television and after-midnight infomercials may not be a crime. But cable companies also provide our Internet services. Most employers now only offer online applications for employment. Government agencies typically offer online assistance as an option to sit on hold for as long as 2 hours waiting for an operator.

Many resources we need for college course require access to the Internet. People are literally ashamed to admit how much they pay monthly for their phone plans. We are beginning to see more people sitting in coffee shops and even fast food locations logging in to the Internet rather than being overcharged by their current Internet service providers.

In this time of economic distress, perhaps it is time for our government leaders to dust off those old laws governing business practices. As mentioned earlier, this is a self-correcting problem. On sinking ships it does not matter how wealthy you are. The dead weight is tossed over the side first.

Off the Market

What do you want to be when you grow up? This is an important question in high school and the smart choice is to intern in several potential career fields before committing to one. It is also an important question when considering settling down for a lasting committed relationship. The premise is the same, but internship considerations for a committed relationship will be slightly different.

When you feel you are ready to settle down and get out of the dating scene, it is ideal to do so between relationships. This is not to say you should exit a great relationship if you are in one currently. It simply means that as a single, you can be up front with a potential partner on what your needs are. If you are currently in a relationship, you can begin to move toward addressing these needs with your partner. Either way, long-term commitment should be mutually agreed upon.

Making room in your heart for another is more than simply about caring deeply about someone. It involves valuing the other’s needs as you would your own. This is a vulnerable position for you, but is an integral part of successful relationships.

This must be mutual in a relationship, so a giving nature is important in a potential partner. It’s not necessarily about pampering, but about making important and difficult relationship choices that benefit your partner. Your potential partner will need to exhibit this same trait as well.

Searching for a companion when you are ready to settle down only requires us to alter our dating criteria somewhat. In the past, we may have gone on a date and found the other to be too needy, clingy or too uptight.

We need to reevaluate our definition of these descriptive labels to determine if these are honestly needy, clingy and uptight people or if that was simply our own outlook at the time. Remember, in the dating scene you may be labeled needy or uptight now that you are looking for commitment.

Compatibility is perhaps the most misunderstood concept in relationships. You may think simply because you had a wonderful time on your first date you are compatible with that person. Because you share the same destructive habits with another does not mean the two of you are compatible. Often an honest and sincere person who is shy or nervous on a date would rather remain quiet than lie to or mislead you.

Equality and mutual respect play important roles in committed relationships. Both partners have their strong points in certain areas. Letting your partner make all the important decisions is not a trait of a healthy long-term relationship.

Your partner should acknowledge your strengths and rely upon your decisions in these areas rather than foolishly decide for you both in matters of which he/she has little or no understanding.

Having mutual goals is arguably the most important aspect of a committed relationship. Even if everything else about the relationship is perfect, if either of you must sacrifice who you are for the other, you are treading a slippery slope.

Some degree of sacrifice is called for. It may be prudent for one to take a low paying job while the other completes college. But an ideal partner will prioritize your enrollment into college even if he/she does not find a great paying job after graduation.

Dream Catching

Many of us regard our dreams as no more than nightly flights of fantasy, having no practical use in our lives. But perhaps you have not considered that everything we see around us is the product of dreams made real and put to practical use. In fact, all the things we see around us is the product of the merging of many dreams by many imaginative people throughout history.

The concept is really quite astounding when we view dreams from this perspective. We tend to think we have a fairly good grasp on reality. Considering we have established that everything is the product of dreams, how can we relate to reality without understanding our dreams?

The products of our creativity are bound within dreams and we owe it to ourselves, if not the world, to understand them. But our dreams could be clues to something much more astounding. But how do we piece the dreams together?

Our dreams can be somewhat elusive. It is believed that we all dream, yet we may not remember them upon waking. This is due to a fascinating trick of the mind. Simply speaking, the part of the brain where dreams come from does not speak the same language as the part that holds our waking consciousness.

Some have argued we do not dream in color or even hear the sound in our dreams. But others argue that none of what we would call a dream is remotely discernible from its source.

Our conscious mind gradually begins to regain control of our perception from our subconscious mind before we awaken. The raw material of our dream is translated into a format we can somewhat decipher during this brief transfer. For this reason, a dream only teeters on the periphery of our short term memory. If we don’t concentrate on remembering, it is gone in an instant from our perceptual memory.

But, this is not to suggest it cannot be recovered. Keeping a dream journal can help us retrieve the dream even if we do not think we had one during the night.

True dream journaling is not just about documenting the dreams we remember having. It is a process of retrieving and placing our dreams into context. A dream journal can be used to retrieve the memory of our dream by using keywords that pop into our mind moments after we awaken.

You should date and document these keywords moments after waking even if all you have are the keywords. Some have reported seeing a startling pattern emerge from their long-term journal entries. There are peculiar aspects of dreams that suggest they are much more than mere byproducts of our conscious observations. Some examples include seeing our faces blurred in mirrors, being called or referred to by a name other than ourselves and even experiencing the perception of being another gender.

Perhaps, the most startling aspect of dream journaling is that many claim they were able to find who they once were in a past life.